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  Praise for

  Stop Talking, Start Communicating

  “Geoffrey Tumlin delivers practical solutions for astutely and appropriately balancing our increasing communication loads with a combination of digital tools and direct human contact. Stop Talking, Start Communicating is essential reading for executives, aspiring managers, and anyone else who wants smart, workable strategies for better communication in the digital age.”

  —Marshall N. Carter, former chairman and CEO

  of State Street Bank and Trust Company

  “Finally! An instruction manual for our crazy digital world! Geoffrey Tumlin nails the problem—an avalanche of fast and frivolous communication is creating major relationship strains—and he provides page after glorious page of solutions. I haven’t read a book this important in years.”

  —Chris Miller, founding partner of the Praevius Group

  “The digital age has forever changed the nature of everyday communication. This new terrain requires a reliable and up-to-date road map with practical solutions to our communication problems. And that’s exactly what Geoffrey Tumlin gives us in Stop Talking, Start Communicating. This is a groundbreaking, must-read book for everyone, which provides the tools for building better relationships in our new and challenging communication environment.”

  —Mark L. Knapp, emeritus professor of communication

  at the University of Texas at Austin and former president

  of the National Communication Association

  and the International Communication Association

  “Stop Talking, Start Communicating is business writing at its very best: incredibly insightful, eminently practical, and thoroughly readable. Get your hands on this book; you’ll find something useful on every page.”

  —John Knighten, former vice president

  at St. Jude Medical and Boston Scientific

  “What a weird combination—a West Point–trained infantry ranger with a communication PhD—but these two backgrounds come together to create an informative, funny, and spot-on book about communication, relationships, and life. You’ll start to read it and not be able to put it down. It’s filled with great examples and practical advice you’ll use an hour from now—at work, at home, everywhere in your life. A modern-day Dale Carnegie!”

  —John Daly, Liddell Professor of Communication and

  Texas Commerce Bancshares Professor of Management

  at the University of Texas at Austin

  “Geoffrey is a five-tool consultant: brilliant strategist, inspiring teacher, keen listener, incisive coach, and gifted writer. Stop Talking, Start Communicating is like a greatest hits collection of Geoffrey’s advice for productive working and meaningful living. Buy this book for everyone you care about.”

  —Manuel Morin, former managing director of the

  Dallas Cowboys and president of Control Ergonomics

  “Stop Talking, Start Communicating is delightfully well-written and filled with useful antidotes to the communication challenges that bedevil so many of us today. With wit, precision, and a gentle touch, Geoffrey Tumlin adroitly leads readers toward better communication and more meaningful work and home relationships. Stop Talking, Start Communicating is an extremely valuable book written by a very thoughtful communicator.”

  —Howard T. Prince II, Loyd Hackler Endowed Chair

  in Ethical Leadership at the University of Texas at Austin

  and founding dean of the Jepson School of Leadership Studies

  “Geoffrey Tumlin knows his stuff. We’ve got a problem with our communication today and Geoffrey has the solutions. With his characteristic good humor and penetrating pragmatism, Geoffrey loads Stop Talking, Start Communicating with tips and strategies to improve our interactions with each other. Geoffrey has written an important, timely, and outstanding book. Read it!”

  —Jefferson Howell, former director of the Johnson Space Center

  and former Marine Forces Pacific Commander

  “Stop Talking, Start Communicating is filled with no-nonsense advice, actionable communication strategies, and plenty of wit and humor to keep you turning the pages. Geoffrey’s straightforward solutions for more productive interactions in the digital age are just what we need to cut through information overload in an increasingly fragmented work environment. Grab a copy of this book and start improving the quality of the time you spend with colleagues today.”

  —Jason Santamaria, vice president of business

  transformation at Stanley Black & Decker

  and author of The Marine Corps Way

  “Geoffrey Tumlin presents the solutions we need to significantly improve our work and home interactions. Stop Talking, Start Communicating is useful reading for everyone seeking a path to better communication.”

  —James V. Kimsey, founding CEO and

  chairman emeritus of America Online, Inc.

  “Stop Talking, Start Communicating is an extraordinary analysis of the impact of the digital revolution on our humanness. But Geoffrey Tumlin goes way beyond analysis and charts the path forward with clear guideposts and convincing directions for improving our vital communication skills. Countless times throughout the book, been-there-done-that moments jumped out at me, along with straightforward instructions for handling those situations more effectively in the future. Stop Talking, Start Communicating shows us how to regain the human essence of our communication in a constructive and meaningful way.”

  —Charles W. McClain Jr., special advisor to the president,

  CEO of Texas A&M Galveston, and

  former Chief of Public Affairs, U.S. Army

  “I hear Geoffrey’s wise, patient, and authentic voice on every page of Stop Talking, Start Communicating. Geoffrey’s clear-headed thinking and timely counsel have made a major positive impact on the life of Grace After Fire. It’s great to have so many of his shrewd ideas collected in a book—now you too can benefit from his uniquely insightful and effective advice.”

  —Kimberly Olson, CEO/president of Grace After Fire

  “Effective leaders build credibility and strengthen relationships through dozens of daily interactions. Stop Talking, Start Communicating is an essential guidebook to help you get the most out of these important encounters. Geoffrey Tumlin clears a path to the kind of good, consistent communication that fuels outstanding individual and organizational accomplishments.”

  —Robert Forsten, commander of the

  121st Combat Support Hospital and Brian Allgood Army

  Community Hospital in Yongsan, Korea

  “In an age of groundbreaking communication technologies, we need groundbreaking communication skills. Geoffrey Tumlin eloquently explores these vital competencies in Stop Talking, Start Communicating, sharing essential knowledge and priceless advice for creating and maintaining thriving connections in the digital age. Stop Talking, Start Communicating should be a part of everyone’s communication game plan.”

  —Adeline Cassin, commercial vice president of digital

  communications at Discovery Networks Latin America

  “In Stop Talking, Start Communicating, Geoffrey Tumlin perfectly describes and provides remedies for a hyper-connected digital environment where our digital communication capabilities often seem to exceed our interpersonal communication abilities. Insightful, authoritative, and a pleasure to read from cover to cover, Stop Talking, Start Communicating is the book you’ve been waiting for.”

  —Mark Warren, training coordinator

  at the Texas Association of Counties

  “I saw myself on every page of this book. What a relief to have clarity on communication problems I see everywhere, and what a gift to have so many practical communication
tools all in one place! Swiftly, surely, and with much-appreciated humor, Stop Talking, Start Communicating helped me reduce communication mistakes and steer clear of conversational trouble. Don’t wait to buy this crucial book. It will help you from the very first page.”

  —Boris G. Robinson, owner and president of

  T3Multisports and board member of Tri for Success

  “Stop Talking, Start Communicating is a remarkably insightful book written by a consummately gifted communicator. The pages overflow with keen observations, practical strategies, and great ideas for communication improvement. This is a book I’ll refer to constantly!”

  —Lynne Liberato, former president of the State Bar of Texas

  “Geoffrey Tumlin’s practical communication advice is unrivaled. His methods challenge conventional wisdom and drive to the very heart of who we are—and who we hope to be—in business, in friendships, and in our families. Stop Talking, Start Communicating is mandatory reading for success in what matters most in life. Highly recommended!”

  —Harry Ben Adams IV, vice president of real estate

  and development at McCombs Enterprises

  “What a book! Channeling the warm practicality of Stephen Covey and the engaging wit of Tom Peters, Geoffrey Tumlin’s Stop Talking, Start Communicating is a must-read for anyone concerned with how we are communicating today. Buy this book and read it from cover to cover!”

  —Sherri Baer, vice president at Virginia Cook Realtors

  “In Stop Talking, Start Communicating, Geoffrey Tumlin distills insights from his diverse experience in the military, in the academy, and in boardrooms into a thoughtful and insightful analysis of effective communication. With ample wit and a sharp eye, Geoffrey provides simple, straightforward solutions to what remains a complex problem in many of our daily lives: in a world where instant and constant communication is easier than ever, why is it so hard to really connect?”

  —Stuart Shapiro, commercial real estate developer

  at United Equities, Inc.

  “Geoffrey helped me improve my business, and more important, he helped me improve my life. A gifted communicator with a remarkable ability to connect quickly and meaningfully with people, Geoffrey practices what he preaches. Stop Talking, Start Communicating didn’t just come from Geoffrey’s brain … it came from the way he lives his life.”

  —Ned Lavelle, owner of Pinthouse Pizza

  and multiple Jimmy John’s franchises

  “Geoffrey’s consulting and advice helped All-Pro successfully navigate a critical turning point in our business. Geoffrey takes everything in, listening so closely and absorbing information so completely that when he finally talks, workable solutions quickly emerge in places that had previously been knotted with problems. Thanks, Geoffrey, for writing this book, and thanks for putting so many of your great ideas together in one place.”

  —Kyle Anderson and Brandon Berryman,

  owners of All-Pro Auto Reconditioning

  “Stop Talking, Start Communicating is a masterpiece of practical advice. Geoffrey Tumlin’s insights are clear, compelling, and exactly what we need to improve our communication today. This book should be mandatory reading for anyone interacting with people on a regular basis—in other words, everyone should read it! It’s in our department’s leadership library, and I highly recommend it for your library as well.”

  —Robert Isbell, fire chief of Midland, Texas,

  and president of the Texas Fire Chiefs Association

  “In Stop Talking, Start Communicating, Geoffrey Tumlin perfectly balances thought and action to deliver an easy-to-read communication improvement masterpiece that’s as street smart as it is book smart. Crammed with sharp insights, strategies, and tools that anyone can use, Stop Talking, Start Communicating is an enormously valuable book. I wholeheartedly recommend it!”

  —Sean Lux, assistant professor at the Center for

  Entrepreneurship at the University of South Florida

  “Stop Talking, Start Communicating is the perfect book for our time. Geoffrey Tumlin spells out strategies we can immediately use to strike the right balance between our powerful digital devices and the important people they connect us to. With a wealth of practical experience and clear and important insights for interpersonal relationships, Geoffrey shows us how to navigate the chaotic and distracting digital communication environment we face today.”

  —Kathy Whitmire, former mayor of Houston

  and former board member of the

  New York Stock Exchange

  Copyright © 2013 by Geoffrey Tumlin. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  ISBN: 978-0-07-181305-1

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  The material in this eBook also appears in the print version of this title: ISBN: 978-0-07-181304-4, MHID: 0-07-181304-7.

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  To Daphne, Evelyn, Cindi, Karen, Welela, and Iris,

  Three generations of strong women

  And Ron,

  For pointing the way

  CONTENTS

  Foreword

  Introduction

  1: Back Up to Go Forward

  We are neglecting three vital communication habits

  2: Invert Your Expectations
br />   Expect less from technology and more from people

  3: Lose Your “Friends”

  Important relationships are being trumped by people you barely know

  4: Stop Talking

  Hypercommunication is the problem, not the solution

  5: Don’t Be Yourself

  It’s an excuse for Neanderthal behavior

  6: Play Dumb

  Don’t pin the tail on the donkey

  7: Question Your Questions

  Many questions make conversations worse

  8: Ignore Your (Telltale) Heart

  It wants you to talk without a plan

  9: Don’t Solve Problems

  You are messing around with far too many issues already

  10: Blow Things Off

  Protect what matters by letting go of what doesn’t

  11: Let Difficult People Win

  Stop trying to impose your will on tough communicators

  12: Respond with Weakness

  Bring a stick to a knife fight

  13: Change Your Change Plan

  Do last what you want to do first

  14: Take Things Off the Table

  Just because you can talk about something doesn’t mean that you should

  15: Be Boring

  Most conversations are exciting for all the wrong reasons

  16: Give People What They Want

  Few things connect like a story

  Notes

  Recommended Reading

  Acknowledgments

  Index

  FOREWORD

  I’m constantly communicating, negotiating, and managing conflict, whether it’s convincing a colleague to tone down a provocative proposal or getting my five-year-old to button up her itchy sweater. Much of this communication I do without intentional thought, and often—as I look back on it—I can see that my motivations were sometimes skewed.

  Pitching a project idea at work? My pride is at stake.

  Bargaining at a Mexico City market? I want to win.